Blended and steamed.

Blended and steamed.

I sometimes think I am a danger to myself. This weekend I have managed to blend and steam various body parts. Okay, slight exaggeration but I scalded my thumb taking the lid off the steamer-I’ve done this so many times before that I’m sure hamsters learn faster than I do. Just moments later,  I distractedly grope in the blender box for various sharp objects, “oh that’s super sharp” I think as a graze my finger on something-then I grab it regardless and see layers of my epidermis are now nicely sliced on its blade-what an idiot. If I can lack common sense so drastically I fail to see why I’m so surprised that Marley seemingly functions in a universe all of his own. Yesterday I asked him to fetch me Rohan’s coat and blue t-shirt off the kitchen table to find he returns with a hat???? I ask him what he went to fetch, he looks at his hand, slaps his head and says silly me and returns with a vest! I love him. Parts of his distraction is due to excitement as we are going to an indoor soft play area       (unless you can find a little known one, horrendous places crammed with screaming children who have too much energy for their parents to know what to do with on a rainy day), I send him to change his jeans so he looks a little more presentable and less like he belongs to a Mum who can’t even cook without inflecting various degrees of damage to multiple digits. Despite being so excited, when he doesn’t reappear after ten minutes, I find him sat reading a book and have to chivvy him along with short bursts of instructions, “jeans off-no not boxer shorts put them back on-now clean jeans out of draw-no wearing shorts won’t be a good idea-now jeans on-wrong way-turn them round-no you have to take them off to turn them round, you can’t just twizzle them around your legs-why not? Ermmm, because that’s just the way jeans are made, yes I know you can do that with your jumper but these are jeans and we are late and will never get there, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.

We seem to be hurrying everything now Marley is at school. We have adopted a pet ear lobe monster who comes and painfully devours his ear lobes if he doesn’t get dressed in ten minutes, Darren does a great Monster voice and throwing it from the bathroom has thus far proved effective. Then when he comes home he has to hurriedly get changed ready for tea, then we eat tea quickly so there is time to play. Can you see why we spent the best part of the Christmas holidays in our pyjamas? I must admit I am quite slack at fitting homework and reading in. I’m not one of the parents who insist their child’s book is changed every day (besides, I know how important comprehension is). He’s exhausted when he comes home and sometimes just getting out the car is too much effort.

As I seem to be enjoying blogging I feel it is important that I highlight a few things. For someone who is supposedly intelligent, I find this hard to believe after events such as the steaming and blending, I have awful punctuation, spelling and grammar (ironic as I went to a Grammar school and have an A level, in fact at grade B, in English Language). The Head Teacher at the school I was employed at used to joke that he’d employed the world’s only dyslexic teacher. He wasn’t too far off. At primary school I was given lots of tests as I was classed as “highly intelligent but unable to write for toffee”. This was unusual in someone with a high reading ability so I went to a lovely lady who we called the “fuzzbuzz lady” for various tests. I never knew what they came up with except that I was possibly ambidextrous and cross dominant (left eye dominance, mostly right handed ). I was tested for dyslexia at university as my tutor happened to be an expert in the field and expected I was after reading the first draft of my research project. I came out as borderline and his theory is that as I have a high iq I have learnt ways around it?? Actually, I don’t know if that’s true, I believe I perform well in exam conditions and actually if I’m truthful, just can’t be bothered to learn how to spell or punctuate, it just takes the fun out of writing. So to any purists out there, I apologise, however I do promise to never abbreviate “laugh out loud”.

Now I must hurry off to baby massage.